I’ve been looking through my archive of previous translations today and spent a while reminiscing and reflecting on some of the weird, wonderful, interesting, fun and downright bizarre texts I have translated over the years. This was triggered by a recent text I had which was by a medical devices company who has a nice little sideline in the weapons industry. I’m no ethics expert but I wondered whether there might be a conflict of interest there. It reminded me a bit of a shop I saw in some rural part of Ireland several years ago that was divided into three “departments”: a pub (which also sold groceries – it’s an Irish thing apparently), a car showroom and an undertakers. The basic business model seemed to be “We’ll get you drunk, put you in a car and when you wrap yourself around a lamp post we’ll box and bury you” (I always wondered if they had a loyalty card).

Cutting out the middle man

Okay I’m rambling now. But this was by no means the strangest text or client I’ve had to deal with over the years. There was the conference paper on teabags which talked about the history and development of teabags and the different designs and their relative pros and cons. Thanks to that text I’m now au fait with the thermodynamics of teabags and can explain how they stick the bags together without using glue. Then there was the lingerie catalogue. The less said about that one the better – let’s just say there’s an awful lot of specialised terminology going on there and my poor mother didn’t know what to think when I asked what a “gusset” was. If you’ve ever seen that episode of Father Ted in the lingerie department you’ll have some idea of my predicament.

A Really Really Complicated Marvel of Modern Engineering

Just as surreal was the article I was asked to translate on the mating habits of parrots. I try not to think too much about this one because it was just too disturbing – the thought of parrots listening to Barry White as they get jiggy with it makes me feel more than a little bit queasy. I did find out though that parrots, for some reason, are something of an exception when it comes to scientific nomenclatures as they have different Latin names in different countries. I do know that if I ever need a change of career, I can set up as a marriage guidance counsellor for parrots; a Dr Ruth for our feathered friends.

Joking aside, I have translated texts on quite serious issues. Like the text I translated about the Aral Sea when I found out how ill-advised Soviet irrigation plans have transformed what was once the fourth largest inland saline water body into a vast expanse of desert. As a translator I’ve been privy to the details of nasty divorces, felt a tear in my eye as I translated the power of attorney for a woman who had developed Alzheimer’s and was no longer able to care for herself, then I cheered as I translated the extradition papers for two drug smugglers who were caught red-handed by the coastguard with half a ton of heroin when their boat ran out of fuel. There was also the cloak-and-dagger lawsuit where, for legal reasons, the texts couldn’t be translated by anyone in the US, nothing could be sent by email, only via secure off-shore servers. It turns out that the client had paid a company to build a state-of-the-art manufacturing plant but due to unbelievable incompetence had been left with a multi-million dollar cowshed which was dangerous, over budget, late and utterly useless. The impression I got was that the builder was something of a Basil Fawlty with a cement mixer but I’ll say no more in case “they” are reading.

Get a room!

There have been so many cases where I’ve nearly fallen off my chair with either shock or laughter that I couldn’t possibly list even a fraction of them here. All in all, working as a translator has been great fun and incredibly educational. And what’s more I get paid for it. While I might sometimes complain about the pay and conditions and what not, translation has never been boring and it means I’m a bit of a whizz when it comes to pub quizzes. I love the fact that, even if you specialise in a particular area, you never know what is going to land in your inbox. I do wonder though, exactly how weird and wonderful translation jobs can get so feel free to share the weirdest translation job you’ve ever had.