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Home, sweet home

Okay so this has nothing to do with translation but after two weeks holiday with most of it spent back in my native Dublin, I’m back in the saddle and (nearly) ready to start work again. One thing that did occur to me is how much we tend to take our hometown for granted, often to the extent that it’s only when we return after an extended period of time away that we realise what a cool place it is. A lot of the time, tourists have a much better time in a city than its own residents because they actually get out there and do things. Sometimes I wonder whether people are afraid to have fun and whether they should take a day out to be a tourist in their own town. I mean, if people are prepared to to learn about other cultures,  countries and languages, then why not look closer to home once in a while?

The Samuel Beckett Bridge

The Samuel Beckett Bridge

Dublin has, over the past few years undergone some massive changes and seen some quite extraordinary additions to its inventory of “photographables” particularly in the Dockland such as the Samuel Beckett Bridge, the International Convention Centre and the newly rejuvenated Point Theatre (albeit with a truly rubbish name “The O2″ – a breath-taking combination of corporate egotism and atrocious marketing skills). There’s also the Spike, the river taxis on the Liffey, the Boardwalk, the refurbished Laughter Lounge (with its strict and oft-repeated no talking rule)  and various other cosmetic tweaks which I’m really starting to appreciate with my semi-tourist ex patriot eyes.

So with a new found respect and appreciation of my hometown I thought I’d post a list of some of my favourite Dublin gems just in case you’re a Dub and get the urge to do something different or, if you’re not from Dublin, you fancy visiting the place.

Things to do

Ghost Bus
Organised by Dublin Bus this is an excellent tour of Dublin at night and you’ll learn about some of the grislier aspects of its history. I’ve done it twice and it’s a hoot!

Viking Splash Tour
Put on your Viking horns and roar at passers-by as you tour Dublin on land and water in an amphibious vehicle.

Guinness Brewery Tour
An obligatory part of any trip to Dublin learn about our national drink before sampling some in the Gravity Bar some 40 metres above the city.

St. Michans Church
If you liked the Ghost Bus try visiting the crypt of this little church and see real mummified corpses. Ghoulish yet educational.

Royal Hospital Kilmainham
An old military hospital on the outskirts of the city centre. A bit of a hidden gem, the gardens are beautiful and great for a walk or to bring your own lunch. There’s also a modern art gallery for you arty types.

Kilmainham Gaol
A very important and historical site related to the Irish War of Independence – very atmospheric and one of the best tours in Dublin.

Pubs

No trip to Dublin would be complete without some sort of liquid refreshment and you won’t have to look hard to find a decent pub.  As long as you steer clear of the superpubs in Temple Bar you’ll be fine. Here are a couple to get you started…

The Stags Head
A proper Irish pub – not very big and it gets a little crowded at weekends but a good place for a pint and a chat.

Messers Maguire
Pub with its own microbrewery which brews its own beers and imitations of famous beers. There’s also a restaurant for that all important “soakage”. Can get quite busy at weekends though.

The Long Stone
Celtic/Viking-themed pub – not tacky, just a nice place for a drink with friends. A personal favourite.

The Laughter Lounge
The biggest and best comedy club in Dublin. They will irritate you with constant reminders not to talk during the performance but you’ll soon learn to tune it out.

Food

Bewleys Café
A Dublin institution! Brendan Behan and Patrick Kavanagh are some of its famous customers. Once found all over Dublin but now only in Grafton Street this place is great for breakfast or just to have a coffee and sticky bun while watching the world go by.

Thai Orchid
Central location, beautiful Thai food and great service. Nothing else to say except that this is my favourite restaurant in Dublin.

Music

Whelans
Forget all that pounding techno and nasty, made for tourists diddly-eye traditional music, this place is probably the the best live music venue in Dublin.

Vicar Street
A short 15 minute walk from the centre of Dublin this is a great venue for live music and shows.

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How to feel #?$*! great

Monkey's armpit book cover

Quite by coincidence and just days after reading an interesting book on swearing and insults a number of articles appeared in Irish newspapers explaining how swearing can actually help us cope better with pain. Researchers at Keele University found that when we swear, our tolerance to pain is greater than when we don’t swear. As a firm fan of creative swearing (not the dull, unimaginative football terraces variety) I’m quite pleased by this, especially when the researchers say that swearing helps to trigger a fight-or-flight response – you can’t get more natural than that can you?

So armed with this sense of vindication and the knowledge that swearing can actually make you feel better Robert Vanderplank’s book “Uglier Than a Monkey’s Armpit: Untranslatable Insults, Put-downs and Curses from Around the World” is especially enjoyable and fascinating. Anyone who speaks more than one language knows how swear words differ in their focus from language to language with different cultures being fixated on different things whether parts of the anatomy, religion, stupidity, parents or excreta. Vanderplank takes this even further and guides us from the ancient languages of yore right up to modern languages from around the world. Some of the insults, to be honest, really aren’t that insulting and some languages clearly don’t put much effort into insults or swearing. Having said that, some are really bad. Shocking even, in a way which demands admiration and respect. The book also includes some useful pronunciation guides which would suggest that it is more than just an interesting collection of profane curios – you’re meant to try them out!

From the cover: “Whether borne out of surprise, anger, passion or humour, curses and insults make up some of the most colourful and profound phrases in a language, offering insight into cultural mores and a greater understanding of the most fundamental social and personal taboos. Organized by language for an overview of each culture’s favoured profanities, this beautifully illustrated volume – put together by language experts from around the world – is an essential reference to the brilliantly inventive, funny, scorchingly insulting words you won’t learn in a language class.”

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Translation keeps you guessing

I’ve been looking through my archive of previous translations today and spent a while reminiscing and reflecting on some of the weird, wonderful, interesting, fun and downright bizarre texts I have translated over the years. This was triggered by a recent text I had which was by a medical devices company who has a nice little sideline in the weapons industry. I’m no ethics expert but I wondered whether there might be a conflict of interest there. It reminded me a bit of a shop I saw in some rural part of Ireland several years ago that was divided into three “departments”: a pub (which also sold groceries – it’s an Irish thing apparently), a car showroom and an undertakers. The basic business model seemed to be “We’ll get you drunk, put you in a car and when you wrap yourself around a lamp post we’ll box and bury you” (I always wondered if they had a loyalty card).

Cutting out the middle man

Cutting out the middle man

Okay I’m rambling now. But this was by no means the strangest text or client I’ve had to deal with over the years. There was the conference paper on teabags which talked about the history and development of teabags and the different designs and their relative pros and cons. Thanks to that text I’m now au fait with the thermodynamics of teabags and can explain how they stick the bags together without using glue. Then there was the lingerie catalogue. The less said about that one the better – let’s just say there’s an awful lot of specialised terminology going on there and my poor mother didn’t know what to think when I asked what a “gusset” was. If you’ve ever seen that episode of Father Ted in the lingerie department you’ll have some idea of my predicament.

A Really Really Complicated Marvel of Modern Engineering

A Really Really Complicated Marvel of Modern Engineering

Just as surreal was the article I was asked to translate on the mating habits of parrots. I try not to think too much about this one because it was just too disturbing – the thought of parrots listening to Barry White as they get jiggy with it makes me feel more than a little bit queasy. I did find out though that parrots, for some reason, are something of an exception when it comes to scientific nomenclatures as they have different Latin names in different countries. I do know that if I ever need a change of career, I can set up as a marriage guidance counsellor for parrots; a Dr Ruth for our feathered friends.

Joking aside, I have translated texts on quite serious issues. Like the text I translated about the Aral Sea when I found out how ill-advised Soviet irrigation plans have transformed what was once the fourth largest inland saline water body into a vast expanse of desert. As a translator I’ve been privy to the details of nasty divorces, felt a tear in my eye as I translated the power of attorney for a woman who had developed Alzheimer’s and was no longer able to care for herself, then I cheered as I translated the extradition papers for two drug smugglers who were caught red-handed by the coastguard with half a ton of heroin when their boat ran out of fuel. There was also the cloak-and-dagger lawsuit where, for legal reasons, the texts couldn’t be translated by anyone in the US, nothing could be sent by email, only via secure off-shore servers. It turns out that the client had paid a company to build a state-of-the-art manufacturing plant but due to unbelievable incompetence had been left with a multi-million dollar cowshed which was dangerous, over budget, late and utterly useless. The impression I got was that the builder was something of a Basil Fawlty with a cement mixer but I’ll say no more in case “they” are reading.

Get a room!

Get a room!

There have been so many cases where I’ve nearly fallen off my chair with either shock or laughter that I couldn’t possibly list even a fraction of them here. All in all, working as a translator has been great fun and incredibly educational. And what’s more I get paid for it. While I might sometimes complain about the pay and conditions and what not, translation has never been boring and it means I’m a bit of a whizz when it comes to pub quizzes. I love the fact that, even if you specialise in a particular area, you never know what is going to land in your inbox. I do wonder though, exactly how weird and wonderful translation jobs can get so feel free to share the weirdest translation job you’ve ever had.

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Fool me once, shame on you…

The issue of professional translators providing their services for free has once again reared its ugly, miserable, penny-pinching head again. Some time ago I wrote about a job posting on Proz asking for a specialised text to be translated for free. Now, according to an article in the New York Times, the professional networking website, LinkedIn, has asked it’s translator members whether they would be interested in volunteering their services to localise the LinkedIn website. Yes, you heard right.  A professional website aimed at professional service providers is asking it’s fee paying members to provide services for free.

I’ve never made a secret of the fact that translators are sometimes their own worst enemy when it comes to professional recognition. We translators regularly complain that we do not get the professional recognition we deserve and that the money we make is not commensurate with the amount of effort, training and commitment required to be a translator. This, as I’ve said before, is largely due to translators not standing up for themselves and for charlatans working for peanuts. But companies who are prepared to take advantage of translators and employ “yellow pack“, bargain-basement translators are every bit to blame. So it’s hardly a surprise that I’m not impressed by LinkedIn’s new venture.

Of course translation has its moments but the bunch of bananas at the end of the week makes it all worthwhile

"Sure, translation has its challenges but the plentiful supply of bananas and the chance to play on a tyre swing make it all worthwhile".

But hold on a minute, I’m detecting the slight whiff of hypocrisy here. Why have I never complained about Facebook’s foray into crowd-sourcing? Or Wikipedia for that matter? Like LinkedIn, Facebook asked it’s members to band together and translate their website into various languages for free. LinkedIn were even promising to credit the translators who volunteered so it’s not like the translators weren’t getting something out of it. But the reason I didn’t have a problem with Facebook is because it, like Wikipedia is a kind of hobby or recreational site and much like Wikipedia, they don’t really have a business model with which to make vast sums of money (if you’re interested in how web companies like the mighty Google make their money try reading “The Google Story“).

On top of this, the Facebook translation project was just an excuse to get users involved in the website – it wasn’t an excuse to save a few bucks. In fact the way Facebook went about localising its site ultimately proved more expensive than if they had just gone to professional translators in the first place (they had a review system for translations and even got professional translators to translate the strings “just in case”).

But the LinkedIn case is different from what I can make out. They are supposedly a professional site aimed at promoting professional relationships and respecting its members. They also charge their members a lot of money for their premium services. Would LinkedIn have asked its graphic designer members to design a new logo for free? Would they have asked members who are website designers to redesign the website for free? Would they have asked caterers to come around and stock the LinkedIn canteen with food for free? Unlikely to say the least. Yet somehow they felt comfortable asking the translators to give them a freebie. Maybe they have a point, after all we are just trained monkeys who speak a couple of languages real good.

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Those who can’t, teach…

George Bernard Shaw once said something along the lines of “He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches“. As a student I often chuckled at this thought as I sat in translation class wondering whether any of my lecturers had ever worked as translators and whether they really knew what translation was all about and I still chuckled several years later as a full-time professional translator. Now that I’m a lecturer, I’m not chuckling any more.

The view really isn't that good from up here

The view really isn't that good from up here.

The decision to go into academia was not one that I consciously made, it just kind of happened. Let’s just say that when you get a PhD you just tend to drift into university life because that’s just what people do. Why else would you devote three years to pursuing something that is essentially preparation for life as a researcher and lecturer? But having said that, it’s not a bad career choice once you get used to the idiosyncrasies of academia.  On the one hand, academic life is less fraught with the day-to-day financial worries of freelancing full-time and it means you can just take on those jobs that are interesting, not the mundane donkey-work jobs. There’s also the satisfaction and sense of reward from passing on your experiences and helping students realise their potential. But on the other hand, you do get the sense that you are missing out on the cut and thrust of full-time translating, that somehow you’re not really a translator, merely a dabbler or worse still, that having gone from industry into academia, you’re a sell-out.

Having said that, I do think that in order to be a decent lecturer you need to be an active translator (or at least have recent professional experience). If for no other reason, because translating professionally can give you a plentiful supply of texts (assuming of course your clients agree to their texts being used) and it keeps you up to date with what’s happening in industry. Too many lecturers that I know of either are not active translators or have never translated professionally. The latter is something that really annoys me – how can you teach translation properly if you have never earned a living from it? In various institutions, I have seen lecturers whose only experience of translating has been the odd poem or novel written by some obscure medieval nobody. I’m sorry but this type of hobby translation coupled with degree in whatever doesn’t give you the knowledge and expertise you need to train translators for industry. Maybe Shaw had a point after all.

But ranting aside, I can’t do just one job. I get bored and frustrated. I can’t just be a translator no more than I can just be a lecturer. I love the variety of combining the two and I like the fact that I can pass on my experiences to students and for the most part, they appreciate this. Sure I get the occasional weirdo who does a translation degree but who has no intention of ever working as a translator but by and large it’s nice working with students and watching them develop as translators. I also like the fact that by being a translator I am doing what I trained to do – something from which I still derive an enormous amount of pleasure and which exercises parts of my brain that teaching just doesn’t. Translating also gives you a strong work ethic which I don’t think is all that common among some academics for whom the basic unit of working time is the week and not the hour.

So ultimately, as a lecturer who takes the job seriously, I find myself caught between two stools. The professional translators who might think I’ve sold out or that by living in the Ivory Tower I have lost touch with the “real” world, and the academics who have seriously misguided notions of translation competence and who look down on professional translators and anyone who isn’t a “traditional” academic (i.e. someone who has spent their entire working lives in the comfort of academia, researching the obscure, the surreal and often the irrelevant and who has never had to translate 3000+ words a day).

But this raises some interesting questions. Should you be allowed to teach if you have never worked as a professional translator? Should all university appointments be contingent on the prospective lecturer having a minimum level of experience outside academia? Would you trust a mechanic to fix the brakes on your car if he only had theoretical knowledge and had never actually stripped an engine or gotten oil under his finger nails? Would you trust a surgeon who had only read books but never cut open a human body? So why would you trust a lecturer who had never actually done the job they are training you for?

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